Image of paint Transcolor sky

Hello and Welcome to my humble website.

My Name is Zen and this is my little blog.

Gender Update

UPDATE 22.02.2023:
So I got myself a skirt some matching stockings and... ever since I keep wearing those in my free time. Even did get some panties and some nice smelling parfume. I feel quite comfortable in the female clothes, and confident in undergoing HRT if that is to be recommended by a professional.

Went to a birthday party of my best friend, I talked to my circle of closest friends about these feelings that have been pestering me for a while now. They were all very supportive of me, stating that they'd love me however I feel to be.

I have applied for a gender counseling from a buero in Berlin. I'm looking forward to this part. I'll grow my hair a bit aswell for a potential androgynous Hairstyle. It was a lot of fun going out in Stockings or Armwarmers for breakfast. I intend to take some female clothes with me to the birthday of one of my transfriends, Sofia, feeling okay with maybe crossdressing publicly there... I'll update you on that topic once it gets to it.

That said I'm not even sure if I'll be actually posting this publicly.

Transitional Questions

Update: 15.02.2023:
As you already Read my name is Zen I'm 25 from Germany and up until now I have been a human male. Up until you're asking? Well...

Recently in my life there have been diffrent influences who made me accept some of the tendencies I have kept hidden in my closet for the past few years. For a few years now I have sometimes fantasized about what it would feel like to have a girls body. Only the interaction with my Trans-Fem friends Kira, Sofia and Morli has given me the currage to experiment in this direction. In the past few weeks I have started waxing my legs, been ordering female clothes to try them out in private.

I don't know yet how comfortable I'd feel wearing this kinda stuff in public. But I guess if it's in foreign territory it is okay.
I think more difficult for me is the fear of my family and suroundings not accepting this female side of me.

My mother in law is probably supportive but she doesn't understand this kind of... emotional state I fear. She always states that she doesn't hate these kind of people but I'm not sure how she'd react. It would hurt me to be rejected.
I intend to get a female overhaul on a vacation with said friends, getting a feel for how I'd do as a female version of myself.

Furry-Fandom

You probably heard of it. And if you are not a furry or friends with one you may or may not have heard a bunch of bad stuff about it.
Since the Furry Hobby is one of my core hobbies I want to elaborate what it is about and how I got there.

First of the Furry Fandom forms around a group of people who have pledged their free time to creating content involving anthropomorphic (that means humanized) animals. The Tricky part is the Terminology here. An anthropomorphic character, like Micky Mouse, Rocket Raccoon from Guardians of the Galaxy or the Puss in Boots are called Furry characters or Furries.
BUT someone who is creating, furry content or is in the Fandom are also called furries.

Unfortunatly this often attracts spiteful people, who do not appreciate this open mindedness, and those people sometimes spread a lot of hate around the fandom and that's probably where some of the bad reputation comes from it had a few years ago.
In any way the fandom is all about creativity and individualism. I'd consider myself a "Furry" since 2016. That's when I was introduced to the furry community.
I jokingly tell it's a downward spiral from that point on. It started out with just reading furry web comics (personally recommend the Twokinds Web Comic here. It's a very wholesome story created by Thomas J. Fischbach & Brandon J. Dusseau.)
Then eventually I created my very own furry character. Got some art commissions for said character and am now on the verge of getting my own custom cosplay for my character.

Warhammer Lore & Miniatures

A while ago a friend of mine who we'll just call the Ehrenmann, hast introduced me to the world of Warhammer 40.000. Just by recommending me the Eisenhorn Novel series. I did listen through the first audio book within 2 days and the thirst for more arose in me.
So I started listening to the Gaunts Ghosts Series and the Horus Heresy Series as well. I really enjoyed all the books I got so far and I love the worldbuilding of Warhammer 40.000. While also enjoying Gotrek and Felix from the Warhammer old world. I really do enjoy the lorebuilding in these universes. This all is quite a big variety of diffrent hobbies I've picked up over the years.

Recently I even did pick up the hobby of painting Warhammer Miniatures. Starting out with the fearsome Death Guard. Spearheading is the mighty Mortarion Primarch of the traitor legion pledged to the grandfather of plague. Quite fitting in times after we survived covid don't you think~

The Dream

UPDATE 28.02.2023:
Tonight I had a wild dream. I've been dreaming of going to work with nail polish and female clothes. We had a bigger office than the one we are currently having and for some reason we had an office dog. Golden Retriever as far as I remember.

Noone seemed to mind me dressing in female clothes and it felt quite right actually. I'm very curious about how my surroundings will react to me being trans or whatever this is. That is IF I'll ever carry it out.
I'm slightly afraid of talking to my doctor about this stuff cause I know he's a bit stiff at times. Yet he is young and probably open for this stuff. It made me "daydream" about this situation actually, since I'll have to talk to him eventually in order to make advancements in the general situation.
I thought about opening with a statement of something like "You're my doctor and I can talk with you about anything that is bothering me at the moment can't I? I'm sorry but this is a very difficult topic and I don't know how to put this."

Gender Update 2

UPDATE 28.02.2023:
Been experimenting some more with diffrent clothes and just ordered a new pentyhose, fake boobs, and a bra. While family is on skiing vacation I been living the fem life XD. Still keeping in contact with my boyfriend eoeo, who is currently slightly annoyed with the intensity and frequenzy of my exitement towards the topic.

I've been borrowing eoeo's nail pollish for a day and in my opinion it did turn out quite great. Paired with armwarmers it made for a nice outfit too.
Yet I've been talking to some other friends who have warned me about rushing this kinda stuff. My friend Domi for instance told me about friends of his who "came out" to family about this stuff but relized it's not what they want when it came to the actual hormone therapy.

I'm glad to hear some critical voices aswell cause it makes you reflect on your decision and on how you act. Though I must admit, it still made me feel quite confident about the situation.

While I'm looking forward to eoeo coming back from his vacation I kinda dread the time family comes home aswell, cause that means the premature end of my free walking around the house in the comfy clothes without having anxiety about an early discovery by my mother in law.

So right now I am using the time I have as intensly as I can to find out who I want to be without any risk. I will have to talk to my mother in law eventually but only after I am really sure of what I want to be. Another thing that I am afraid of is that I am bothering eoeo too much with this whole situation and that he'll get to dislike the transgender stuff cause he is too overwhelmed with my exitement and general information.

Necrontyr

UPDATE 28.02.2023:
Recently I have been listening to The Twice Dead King series by Nate Crowley. The novel Ruin to be precised. The fact that, in the german audiobook, the voice actor reading the novel being the same voice actor reading the Ghaunt's Ghost's Novels by Dan Abnett just makes it even better. It does contain very fun bits about the Necrons and their inner conflicts after being in hybernation for millions of centuries.

Update 18.03.2022

Big news, I had to dress as female in public in the city of Osnabrück, since I am not living in that region of Germany it was nice to feel anonymously.
I did wear panties, pantiehose, a black and white skirt, and a pushup bra with a powerwolf pullover.
It felt good to have the freedom of dressing this way in public, reactions of people were mixed obviously some did compliment the outfits some did stare awkwardly but none did ever directly attack us. I went to Douglas with friends to get some beard cover up and bought a new nail polish.
Probably the best part for me was when I had to go to a bathroom, and it would have felt weird to go to the men's bathroom dressed like this so I went to the appropriate bathroom (woman's) and even though there was a big line noone did stare awkwardly or anything. I avoided speaking though since my voice would probably give away my actual born gender.
Walking with Sofia doesn't help the situation much cause Sofia does wear very provocative outfits (provocative towards people who don't understand the whole trans and gender thing I mean) she's also not very understanding or empathetic towards people who have a hard time wrapping their head around this stuff.
I feel as if this does provoke people to judge you more than needed but who am I to tell her how to dress or not.
There was a situation where Pascal talked about a girl (I assume at least) who dressed in rather masculine clothes and had very short shaved hair. He didn't mean what he said something like: She has an odd way of dressing herself, rather loud aswell.

Personally I think he didn't mean it the way it came across but I felt bad for the girl cause she probably overheard it and if she is a tomgirl or something else I think this might have given her a bad time...

It definitely was not his intention to hurt her feelings but, I think he accidentally could have done so. This about covers my experience in public fem dressing, I definitely need to grow my hair and get a higher voice to come accross as female.

Weekend Trip

Weekend Hangout: 14.04.2023 This weekend we've been hanging out with a few friends for Sofias birthday party. My boyfriend Neko and I travelled there by car and we slept the night over at Pascal's home. The next morning we got up early and met with Kira, Sofia, Marcel and Domi.
We had a nice breakfast and went to go out bowling. You must know I am not at all any good at bowling. I got myself some tips from some very good strangers at the next bolwing Ile.
But despite my best efforts I was unable to really score any major points. Though I believe I managed to score 3rd or 4th place in the end.

We spent the rest of the evening playing all sorts of games like Cuthulu Death May Die and other shenanigans, and we had a lot of fun along the way.
The next day Marcel and I woke up early and went out to get some bread rolls for everyone. We had a nice breakfast again and went on our way home on sunday.

Trans Consulting Appointment

Update 23.04.2023
Today has been my Consulting Appointment. The Consultant has been a very friendly non-binary person. They gave me some advice and have settled some of my worries. And I received a ton of information material. Additionally they have searched out a big list of potential therapists I can contact to verify my Trans* Inter* whatever it now really is status. And to begin some treatments.
On the side, does it appear as if Germany is finally going to change the Gender Transition laws that will make it considerably easier for people like me to change their gender, name etc.

I have infact picked up on one of the therapists that seemed to be the best choice in my opinion. Due to accessability, modernity and a close tie to the lgbtq community
I hope to hear from them soon-ish so I can make an appointment :)

Of course I'll keep you guys updated on the matter.

Therapy Place

Update 07.05.2023 Few days after the consulting appointment I did receive a list of potential therapists to apply for a therapy place regarding my gender identity problem. I have applied for the me most fitting therapist and got an appointment a few days later. I'm excited to find out how it goes in the end!

Additionally I have a received a new training plan at the gym. The whole gender thing does motivate me a lot to get back in shape. My trainer is very, very nice and I have come in contact with a few people there already!

Therapy!

Update 21.05.2023 I had my second appointment a few days ago. I must say these appointments do help me a lot. It's a lot of casual talking with just a bit of questioning. I helps me think of things from a difrrent angle or reflect on my feelings. I feel more secure in my decision to become more feminine. Looking in the mirror I imagined how I would look with a bit of a/b cup and I honestly liked the results.

On a long weekend I did paint my fingernails and even went to the gym with that and I must say that did feel great after all!